too sentimental...

packing was tough enough, didn't want to throw out some of the papers, brochures and receipts i've saved.. ended up storing loads of boxes, and still having quite a bit of stuff to take home..

the campus is pretty much empty now.. even the crows (or are they ravens?) have come to forage through the gigantic rubbish bins the uni has put around here...
the rain showers down, the wind still as strong as ever..

it's hard to part with this... all of it..

i had a lonely start, just like most phases i've passed..but this time i also started out with resentment.. resentment at myself for failing to get into the unis i'd planned to go to.. and giving up a spot at a uni i used to dream about going to.. i was disappointed at myself, and sometimes i still am..

but i was excited too.. i was glad i'd still get to study overseas.. glad i have a shot at getting things right again.. glad i came to this beautiful city that is Edinburgh.. but somewhere inside, that nagging feeling that i'd let myself down by coming to this uni ate at me sometimes..

things changed over time.. i found a few very valuable friends, who made me feel loved.. who i felt comfortable being myself fully again. i hadn't felt that in a long time..
it made me forget about the people who made my experience here crappy.. i was drifting away from those people anyways.. and i grew to love this place more and more, and especially the people.. i'm glad my first year of uni was filled with so much laughter, even though it mostly came towards the end..

and now as i type this, i look around in my rather empty room.. the drawers emptied days ago..shelf and closet almost the way it was when i came..and the softboard, empty..
i've been looking out the window from time to time this whole day.. taking in the view that i had over the past 9 months.. that tree with its branches and leaves rustling loudly when the wind blows..i'm even going to miss the birds chirping at the weirdest hours of the day..

i look around my room..thinking to myself, this was "home" for 9 months.. and this hall, living here meant learning tricks like working the shower.. and i won't forget the few times i sneaked down to use the boys' shower coz our shower wasn't working.. i won't forget hearing the people partying in the lounge, never really did annoy me except that one time...

i'm glad i have tonight alone... to just sit down and take it all in... to just reflect and think about this past 9 months.. i know, we shouldn't dwell on the past but i do feel like i've learned some valuable lessons being away from home.. and i suppose meeting the people that really got on my nerves wasn't so bad after all..

never again will i be able to come "home" to 202 Pentland A.. i don't know how or why i've become so attached to this room.. it seems so perfect after i'd been to so many other rooms.. the perfect size, perfect layout for me.. and i hope i won't cry tomorrow when i leave..

as much as i'm looking forward to going home, my heart feels heavy leaving this place..
mainly because i don't know if i'll be studying here for 2nd year.. time really changes everything.. i can only hope and pray that what i'm doing is right for myself..

i don't know what lies ahead for me or what i'm going to do yet.. i don't know how much circumstances would change if i take a different path.. but all i know is, i'm happy that i came to this uni.. i'm grateful for the people i've met and it's been a good experience..

no regrets.

it's hard to say goodbye... but i guess if i do leave, i'm still just a bus ride away.. and that, is quite a comforting thought...

i have 16 hours left in this city, about 12+ hours left on campus.. i'll try make the best of it.. :')

see you soon Malaysia...

-llen-