remember, remember the 5th of september...

i really hope i don't ever forget..

Yesterday was a pretty quiet and lonely day spent at home, tidying my room before i leave on wednesday..

i decided on trying the burger king delivery since we hadn't tried it before.. so right after i ordered, i went to take my shower.. just a few minutes after i started, the phone rang.. twice.. i got worried that the delivery might come early.. but it seems it was just mum who called..

then came her message, i'd pass my grade 8 piano with merit!! :D my first time ever obtaining a merit in my practical exam..!!

i was shocked..

it's my 3rd time taking the exam, wasn't expecting much after failing twice..
sure, i walked out of the exam room quite happy with my performance though it wasn't perfect, but i'd been so used to failing or JUST passing that my expectations all this while had just been to pass.. i always believed i didn't have much talent, coz nobody (or nobody whose opinion mattered a lot to me) ever said i was any good..my teacher might've said it out of anger once but she said something along the lines like, i didn't really have the talent.. and remarks like that really affect me..

it wasn't that i didn't enjoy music..i might come across as weird coz i like to listen to certain songs and pick out the instruments in the background, try to identify them and enjoy the extra element they bring to the music..and i always marvel at how people come up with those extra little sounds.. it could be just a little "ting" from a triangle, a harp in the background..sometimes that's all it takes for me to enjoy the song that much more

people usually ignore my playing.. my brother has always been the one everyone praised, and i think still is.. he was the one with the musicality, the flow, the flair.. it made me feel like a robot in comparison.. as though my playing was unfeeling, stiff.. in short, never good enough. even if he didn't attempt grade 8, even when i got higher marks for grade 7.. it all didn't matter coz people made me feel like the exam was nothing, he'd still be better no matter what.

but at the same time, what's different this time was more dedication, more practice i guess.. i felt like i hadn't put in all my effort actually.. but it made me realise, it took just that little bit more of effort, and i could've passed it on my first attempt.. imagine if i'd put in even more effort! i might've done even better.. or maybe i was just lucky this time around..

having said that, i guess passing an exam doesn't really mean that much.. what eventually dampened my joy was my own dad..
he'd come home all happy and proud at first.. then later on he was saying something like it's a good achievement, then he corrected himself and said maybe not very good.. and believe me, it did sting.. (in my mind i was thinking..how could you say it's not a good achievement?!?! and it instantly reminded me of when our tennis coach said i was better than bro and dad did not believe it..and how much it pissed me off)

you might say i have no reason to be proud of myself, failing twice already for the same grade, and i'd been learning for so long, and i have a piano at home for me to practise all i want.. you could say "it's your third time..still don't pass mehhh" ..that's why i didn't retort at dad when he said it wasn't that good an achievement coz i suppose considering the number of attempts, it's not very good i agree.
but to me, it's a pretty big deal coz as i've said, i never got a merit in practical before.. and what more, a merit for grade 8.. and i felt comforted by the fact that at least my old teacher (the one that said i had no talent) was proud of me :)

in the midst of all the joy (and mild annoyance).. i guess most of all, i feel relief.. it's finally over and done with!!

so next up? i might just go and get my diploma ;) ..and i've still got my violin to think about :)

-llen-