differences..

i wish everyone knew how to at least try to understand how we're all different, have different principles and tastes before questioning you about this and that and ..argh..i dunno.. maybe i should be the one who's more understanding?


if i can't wish for the world to be more understanding maybe i'm the one who just needs to adapt .. maybe i'm the one who should care less what people think about what i do and how i do things coz at the end of the day what's the point in pleasing the whole world only to feel sucky about yourself..


people often say they wanna find themselves as they grow up.. i want that too but it just seems like day by day i'm losing myself.. i just don't know what i want in life anymore.. some days everything just seems quite meaningless.. what's the point in pursuing an education abroad if you can't even get an internship abroad OR even at home.. what if at the end of the day after all that money is spent i can't find a job.. 


i used to feel like i was good at certain things but nowadays that's not true anymore.. everything i do is just mediocre at best and we all know mediocre won't get you anywhere.. 


i dunno if it's the weather that's got me so down that i've just unlocked the cupboard where all my negative thoughts are stored or it's just time to get some things out of my mind..


oh yea.. and what's up with people who are supposed to be your friends just talking you down all  the time thinking that they know you so well.. grr.. 


i'll admit it, i DO have an ego problem.. i do (i admit irrationally) tend to want to prove myself over things that people say and kinda hurt me.. someone would call that childish.. and make it out as though having an ego is so wrong and stupid.. sorry i'm not perfect i guess..


i dunno how i got to feel so angry and whiny.. i guess i'm just not happy with myself and i haven't been for a long time.. 

if there's something i've learned about myself it's that i hold on too much to the past most of the time.. i find it hard to let go of something especially if it resulted from my stupidity .. and i just don't want to give myself any more reasons to hate myself in the future.. 


-llen-

never thought..

you know how you sometimes here stories of people missing their flights and stuff...?
well.. never thought i would ever tell that story...

when it comes to catching booked transport i've always been punctual.. always told myself it's better being early than late...even if early meant about an hour before i was meant to be there..

The past 2 weeks have been a little hectic... i guess i'd been stretching myself a little too much recently.. coz yesterday after doing the laundry and vacuuming the floor and packing my stuff i felt so tired (and all this after a full day out).. i was thinking of not sleeping coz i was just so worried i'd miss the flight but i did sleep anyway coz i knew i had to get some rest..

so to my horror..

i got up at 6am today and my flight was at 7am..(i'd set my alarm at 3, 3.30, 4) i spent probably about a minute just staring at my phone not believing that it could be 6am.. but when i looked out the window, i got confirmation that it must've been 6am..

i quickly called a cab, got ready and left.. got to the airport..

but sadly check in was closed 15 minutes ago.

i just wish they weren't so strict coz obviously the plane was still there and all i needed was my boarding pass since i wasn't checking in baggage i could probably make it to the departure gate in time.. but who am i kidding, of course they're strict..

i must've been in shock for a while coz i just wandered around aimlessly for a while, not sure what to do next.. i was supposed to meet Vianni at my destination.. i was supposed to get there at 10.15am..

i called her but she was probably on her flight already..

i don't think i've ever felt so helpless.. it's always when things happen out of your own stupidity that leaves you so lost..

i gave mum a call and she wasn't too helpful at first... but i didn't break down then..

it was when she called back thinking of solutions that i just couldn't hold it in any longer and had to go to the loo to bawl my eyes out.. (tears are welling up in my eyes even as i type this)

i guess i never imagined myself in this situation.. nowadays i don't know what i've become.. an irresponsible, stupid person.. wasting money due to stupidity.. already there were problems with the currency and now this..

i must be such a disappointment.. to mum, to dad, to Vianni..

i do realise how whiny i sound.. i'll probably look back on this post and be dsgusted with myself..
but at this moment in time, i guess this memory will haunt me for life.. at this present moment, i'm just.. so disappointed with myself

i'm parking my ass here in the airport though my flight is not until 5.10pm.. i just hope this is the worst thing that could happen for this trip..

now i just need to find a way to kill time......

-llen-