plans were made to be altered....

(this post is mainly directed at my cousin :p ..)

when i started 2nd year.. it was my aim to secure an internship here and not go home during summer..... and i thought my heart would be tough enough to keep me resolute..

but when it came to applying for an internship..it felt like it was so difficult to do!! so many questions.. the need to edit the CV again.. writing a cover letter.. not knowing HOW to answer the questions in an intelligent way coz lets face it, nobody wants to sound stupid -.- ...

and this CNY my family really knew how to tug at my heart strings.... asking me when i'll be going home..repeatedly... and everytime i'd say i don't know... telling me they're waiting for me so we can do some fun activities... and it's times like these when i feel truly blessed to have such a close-knit family.. :') and now i'm just thinking how much my nieces have grown up while i was here (i know, they're not my kids but i do sayang them a lot :3 )

so in the end, i submitted ONE application and i submitted it 5 days before the deadline... the result? an almost instant rejection ... it was either i was an incredibly weak applicant, or they've filled up all the spots and i sure do wish it was because they haven't got any spaces left (which is very likely >< )

on to plan B.. applying for malaysian internships :p ... they're so much easier to do actually... but hopefully i'll manage to get something...


-llen-

deep breaths..

sometimes people say things that hurt..
and you'll never know if they mean it unless you ask them point blank

i've been trying to tell myself that if i know them to be my friends, they can't possibly mean it and it may be me who is being sensitive or they slipped up for a while..

but sometimes when a close friend says something that really stings it's just hard to move past it.. it's also a sorta enlightening moment.. now i know what you really think of me..

with time i will forget about it.. but it's not easy..
forgiving may be easy..but the forgetting...

-llen-

i should stop thinking bout the old days......

people make new memories.. they move on, leave the past behind..
new memories overwrite the old ones
i used to think i remembered events and gatherings quite well but even my memory's been a little rusty...

thinking about stuff that happened..places i went with friends..food i ate :p.. college, secondary school, primary school, and vague memories of kindy days and some of pre-kindy too.. i guess that's just the way i index my memories..

and when i looked at an album i haven't looked at in a long time, i couldn't help but smile like a crazy person at my laptop screen.. remembering the stuff we said then..what we did...

we've all changed a lot.. physically it's more noticable for girls i suppose..hehe..(the guys don't seem to have changed much..) i see how much my friends have blossomed into the way they look now :) .. appearance-wise aside, i guess we've all grown up.. we've started going our separate ways a while ago but even more so now.. we've grown out of some of the things we used to say/do (for example, aluba -.- ..then again, i dunno if the guys still do that..haha) .. and we might just have grown out of each other a little bit..

wonder when the next gathering with at least 95% attendance rate will be... :)

-llen-

go wild..

once in a while it's good i guess.. and with good company of course...

i've gotten quite a lot of "feedback" on the way i am with people recently.. i didn't go asking people what they thought of me, they just tell other people who are meeting me for the first time the way they perceive me so..yea, indirect feedback... and generally it goes something like "she's always so quiet when you don't know her.. but once you do, she can be really noisy (or hyper? i don't remember the precise word used to describe me) "

and i must admit... i find it quite true as well....

so today, maybe because of my lack-of-sleepness or i've somehow warmed up to the people i was travelling with... i managed to be ridiculous for a change...... (please note, no alcohol was involved..but i did have a mango smoothie :p)

and it felt good... getting it out of the system... :3

coz maybe instead of being quiet...my true nature is that of a crazy person o.O ...

-llen-

a reminder..

i've always felt like i don't demand much from the people around me.. (and i'd still like to think that i don't)

but i can't deny the fact that sometimes i wish for things that i cannot control to happen.. and i feel bad for feeling that way sometimes and tell myself to be less petty... coz at the end of the day, (as my dad puts it) you can't be everything to everybody...

so yesterday i was reminded.. my existence may not be significant to everyone i know..i may be just someone that's easily forgotten in so many people's lives .. but i'm just grateful that my existence IS significant to SOME people... and that those people never fail to make me smile with everything they do for me, small or big :)

i often wonder what i've done to deserve such awesome family members and friends, who never stop showering me with their love..

turning 20 wasn't too bad after all :)

-llen-

and the silence deafens...

back from a holiday i'll probably never forget.. :)

i truly am grateful for the hospitality that was shown to me.. the friends i have.. it was hectic at times.. and definitely exhausting.. but it was well worth it...

being back in a flat by yourself after experiencing all that togetherness.. i know i'm gonna miss each and every one of them..

and in a few hours.. ugh.. i've been half dreading this day.. but i guess it was gonna be here whether i liked it or not.. :/
once again there's thoughts running through my head but i'm just too tired to type it out at the moment...

i might turn 20 doing my laundry.. ._.

-llen-