sometimes i just wish that i had no capacity to feel sadness.. i wish i wasn't so sensitive... i wish that things you say won't hurt me the way they really do...

but i can't have what i wish for ... so i humiliate myself in front of you... even if you think you're right when you're not there's no point talking about it... you don't know me that well.... and you never will.. i don't expect you to... if you wanna think i feel sorry for myself..so be it.. if you wanna compare me with some other person...so be it... it may be true that i haven't been doing my part so well ... but if you could be in my shoes for just one day... maybe you'll understand that your priorities and mine are different...

i'll be honest.. i don't hate you nor do i dislike you.... i'm only saying this because you've hurt my feelings... and sometimes it hurts so bad that i can't see things the way i used to..it's true that i used to cry in the past for the reason you think i'm crying over today.. but this time it's not for the same reason....
i know you'll probably never read this... but... i guess if one day you do... you'll know how i feel...

-llen-

yesterday....

Sem 1 exam is in one week... and i'm still floating around in happy-land..haha...

we usually watch TV while eating and so happened that after dinner Disturbia was showing on HBO...*astro...channel 411* ... so mum, bro and me watched together.. and it was so chi kek XD ... even bro oso felt tensed... i'd say that was a good movie... coz it's at least logical... unlike When A Stranger Calls which doesn't really make sense to me.... Disturbia has a much better plot...

Then right after that movie was One Missed Call... hehe... so mum and me watched... coz bro went to play ...hmph... one missed call is very much less logical..haha... as most hantu related movies are... not really THAT scary... compared to The Ring... i think this is nothing...

I guess on most Fridays i tend to let loose all the way..haha.. even though i know i shouldn't... but it's a natural response :P ... doesn't everybody loosen up on Fridays?? or maybe i'm just lazy -.- ..

-llen-

Afternoon Napmare...

College ended at 1 today... yay!! the only early day of the week.. on a usual friday i'd be eating with yimin... but since she's having her sem break i decided to "tapau" my lunch... so i went to AC and tapau-ed kimchi fried rice with a box of dumplings as well... hehe.. and while waiting for it bro sms-ed me

"What you buying for me? :3 "

.... i thought he wouldn't want the kimchi rice coz it might be spicy... i don't remember how spicy it was... then the dumplings can be shared... then i sms him back and he want the kimchi rice...grrrrr.... thank goodness i had enough money XD ... ordered another and got it after not very long... happy :) ...

Went home..eat with bro while watching some british crime investigation drama... british humour in those kinda shows is very subtle...haha... quite nice...

then after eating we were bloated.. and both very sleepy... coz he had badminton before this.. and i didn't get enough sleep last night -.- ... and also my cat-like self sometimes automatically feels like sleeping after food XD....

so i had my nap... and i didn't wrap myself in the blankie... coz it was hot at first...

after a while napping i had weird dreams... the first wasn't so bad... something like bro had a fight with his friend and he hid in the toilet... and i dunno why the me in the dream automatically thought he had been bullied and sodomised... the me in real life might have thought like that coz..after reading the kite runner... aih.... read it yourself and maybe u'll understand :( ... but luckily in the dream it wasn't like that... then after a while it went into another dream... i kinda forgot the front parts..but it was all to do with supernatural stuff.. the light flickering and i shouted... as if i wanted to hantu to appear... then i clap clap my hands... (i dunno for wat..haha.. ) and my hands seem to move in slow motion even after i used all my strength...

i think it was at that point when i woke up... was getting too scary... then it was 7 something edy.. >< .. i slept at about 2+ .. i wanted to take my shower then... i couldn't find my specs O.O ... i don't think i slept with it on or put it on the bed... so it must be a t the usual place i put it...but it's not there.... then after searching a while i found it on the floor..but on the other side of where i slept.... so scary............

-llen-

Stressed??

I read something on the student portal...under the psychology thingy part i think...or was it counseling section...? anyways there was a file with managing stress and stuff...just a short article to read... and some of the symptoms were..change in appetite... hair loss... there's some other stuff but i don't remember ...

Anyways... i kinda feel like my appetite is really weird.... i get hungry so fast..... -.- ... it's scary... i don't remember feeling like this previously.... o.O ... and today i even had a good lunch at peppercorn cafe... rm13.50 set lunch...comes with soup..main...dessert ...and a drink... i felt full..and that was 1pm.... then at 5 after violin class dad and bro came to pick me up..i was hungry already.. and they wanna buy mcD... so i oso makan XD .... haih... my 2nd theory is plausible as well though... i think i've got tapeworms....hehe...could happen.. no?

I don't think i've ever felt stress before.. or maybe i just brush it off as there's no such thing as stress to me -.- ... coz there ain't no meter for you to measure stress mah..and maybe if i said i was under stress dad might probably say there's no such thing..haha... coz i never heard him saying that before... and i got the feeling that if i said that he'd bring his past in and tell me his journey and struggles through his studies.. and how we're provided with so much and yet complain so much... so ... i zip my mouth XD ...
but this week's been pretty hectic... lacking sleep..lacking practise..lacking study time... and exam's coming....!!! noooooo............


-llen-

Today is someone's birthday :) ... Someone i love a lot... ;)

It's Rachel's birthday :)

Photo stolen from cousin's blog... hehe...

Although she is extremely "hiao" sometimes... haha... i got a little freaked out when i saw this pic...

Anyways... readers from a long time back might remember that i refer to her as my little potato... now that she understands what we're saying i seem to have stopped calling her that... haih...

she's three today... and she has gotten quite..erm... mischevious over time... but i'll always remember the weeks i spent with cousin after she gave birth to Rachel... it's sometimes hard to imagine that it has been 3 years... feels like a long time ago if you think about it but when you don't think about it.. it feels like it didn't happen THAT long ago....

we'll be celebrating her birthday later tonight.. i don't have a pressie for her -.- ... coz it's hard to get something for a kid who has a whole load of toys... from singing and crawling pandas to dolls..to stuffed animals... i think she has everything... -.- ... mum and i cracked our heads over what to get for her....

Other than that... this week's been pretty mundane... i'm starting to realise how much time i'm spending in college.. last year it was like kwang hua+ ET .... now it's taylor's all the way... i spend about... maximum 10 hours there a day -.- ... luckily not all college days end at 4...

-llen-

not an average saturday...

this morning started out with homemade "ba zhang"...was gonna have cereal but i think mum needed a guinea pig for this batch of ba zhang so she asked me to eat it..hehe... eat loh... as usual... mum's ba zhang rocks!!! XD ... but this year she din invite me to wrap with her...poo...

then as usual... off to piano class... today wasn't that bad...there's still hope to pass ...haih...

but after piano class was my day of fun :) ...

Yimin wanted to make some brownies for her friend so she asked me to teach her..met her at JJ then we went to makan first and we saw Ah Chee.. hehe... with another bunch of guys.. then after makan and buying ingredients went to her house.. some funny things happened..like how the dunno-how-old mixer couldn't be used ... and she took a spanner to whack some attachment out so we could try to use the mixer... very complicated procedure.... but i told her... let's just make with our hands -.- ... so used the wooden spatula to beat all the stuff... and then she remembered there was another new mixer and she went looking for it and she found it... after we started beating -.-...

good thing the brownies turned out fine in the end :) ... i realise i haven't been baking much since college started... been cooking more though.... much easier and quicker than baking...

then mum picked me up...went home... get ready to go out for dinner... we had japanese today..at a place called Mizu (which means water~~) ... good food... made my tummy bloat up..hehe.. and now i'm feeling full but really sleepy..so i cant sleep yet -.- ... ooh..and i just finished watching four weddings and a funeral ... been wanting to watch that for a long time because of Hugh Grant :p ... i think that movie is 18sx though..haha... but it's definitely not as bad as saturday night fever....

lengzai lehh... :D..had to change the size of the image coz the original was too big XD

-llen-

Today was the finale of American Idol....

The show was fantastic.. (or maybe I'm biased :P) ... most of the guest artists were my favourites <3 ... there was cyndi lauper..keith urban..jason mraz..and best of all... brian may and roger taylor from Queen.... the rest were..err... i'm neutral towards those artists...like queen latifah (i didn't even know she sang....)...black eyed peas..fergie..rod stewart...steve martin on a banjo... that's all i think....

the results... i knew it while in college thanks to a few of them who checked it with their phone...and ... well... though i am a fan of Kris Allen... i've gotta be honest... his vocals don't beat Adam Lambert's or Danny Gokey's or maybe even Allison... BUT.. what i like about him (apart from his looks XD) is.. he has his own specialties.. like his voice is a really soothing kinda voice... the range may not be so good but he's good in his own ways too... but i liked all 4 of the contestants i mentioned actually.. just that i like Kris more..hehe...

but honestly... Adam should have won... but haih... it's still a popularity contest in the end.. see how Chris Daughtry lost the last time :( ... i'm not complaining lah...coz now he's great too :P .. but... sometimes it's really not whether you can sing or not i guess...haih... so after personally witnesing the results show... i feel.. "not here not there" ... i dunno wat i feel.. it's not like the kinda joy u feel when ur favourite football team wins.. it's like... i support you...but i dunno if you really deserved it...

-llen-

watch where you run....

damn you ah poh!!! XD

as promised he sent me the list of our classmates and what they're doing now that he compiled... then chat chat a while he asked me to see his latest blog post because of the video... i can't find it on youtube and neither can he so please scroll down to look at the video... :)

it made me laugh till i got hungry... XD... after seeing it i showed bro... and he liked the video too.... then i showed dad and i think he quite liked it as well..hehe... mum ain't feeling well so i didn't bother to show her... maybe i'll show her later...

it may seem like an incredibly silly and stupid video but it's somehow...addictively funny... XD ..

-llen-

Tagged...

Forgot that i was tagged by ah poh.. -.- ...


1. Besides your lips , where is the favourite spot to get kissed ?
either cheeks or head?

2. How did you feel when you woke up this morning ?
surprised coz i didn't turn off the light the previous night and afraid that parents lecture me again if they find out XD ...

3. Who was the last person / people you took a photo with ?
erm... i think it's with family...

4. Would you consider yourself spoiled ?-
a little.....

5. Will you ever donate blood ?-
maybe... just hope they can actually get the blood out.. hehe... i'll leave this story for another day XD

6. Have you ever had a best friend who was of the opposite sex ?
emm.. in the past yes.. now he's not anymore.. -.- ..

7. Do you want someone to be dead ?
hmm.... interesting prospect..but nolah...

8. What does your last text message say ?
"RM0. MMS makes yr message stand out with music, pictures and colour! To receive free MMS from Maxis, send Y to 28300. Forward these MMS to friends at RM0.25/MMS"

9. What are you thinking right now ?
thinking about my sleepiness and if i should nap or shower and quickly finish up the pile of stupid h/w...

1o. Do you want someone to be with you right now ?
yea.. i want bro to wake up so i can bother him...

11. What was the time you went to bed last night ?
hmm..first was around 11.30..then next... i cant remember.. ><

12. Where did you buy the tee you are wearing now ?
body glove... 3 for i forgot how much :D ...

13. Is someone on your mind right now ?
guess so.....

14. Who was the last person who text you ?
Hotlink.. XD


TEN Lucky person to do this quiz
i) Suzanne
ii) Lin Cze
iii) Kah Yee
iv) Shiau Haln
v) Vianni
vi) Syn Joe
vii) Joe Ann
viii) Pooi Cheng
ix) Siu Wee
x) Huai Ping

(don't have to do the tag if you don't want to.... :P .. )

15. Who is no.2 having a relationship with ?
Her bf Howard

16. Is no.3 a male or a female ?
Female...

17. If no.7 and no.1 get together , would it be a good?
errrrr..... no.... XD ...

18. What is no.1 studying about ?
Hospitality at taylors PJ campus...

19. When was the last time you chatted with them ?
wah...some months ago... some just chatted today...

20.Is no.4 single ?
haha... i THINK so... who knows wat halnhaln will be doin in singapore XD

21. Say something about no.2
known her since std 1... she used to be very tomboyish.. and now she's one of the first ppl i know to get into a relationship..

22. What do you think about no.3 & no.6 being together ?
err...they can be together when they eat lah..haha.. coz both oso eat very little -.- ...

23. Describe no.9.
very nice gal :) .. i still remember how we met in std 1..haha...

24. What will you do if no.6 and no.7 fight ?
hahaha...they don't even know each other how to fight... -.-

25. Do you like no.8 ?
yea...haha...we used to be best of buddies.... then distance and time made us grow apart~~~ *sigh*



-llen-

Attended a talk by Tan Sri Razali today about Global Teamwork...interesting talk... kinda inspiring...in some ways...

Because of the talk we had to skip our lunch break... which was 10-11... but LAN class (9-10) was cancelled so we decided to have breakfast... went to peppercorn cafe and had Set A ... :) ... yumm.... eggs, sausages, toast, baked beans and coffee.. the lady there suggested the coffee if we're coffee fans so i believed her and the coffee IS good.. surprisingly.. XD

after a satisfying meal we went back and luckily we're not late yet... just a few minutes and the VIP hadn't arrived yet so it was ok.... the talk lasted for less than an hour... and lotsa stuff the dude said i didn't really understand coz i dun really know that much about the UN..but bottomline, i think the message he wanted to get across to us youngsters is to be more driven to do better things and not be complacent about the way things are in our country... it's ok to agitate for change... and we need to make Malaysia one of the countries that actually matter... (coz we're currently not in the "countries that matters list") ... and a whole lotta other stuff... -.-

after that was econs lecture and teacher didnt teach -.- ..she was also inspired by the talk ... inspired to ask us to think abt what he said and relate it to economics... issh....

but the good thing was physics lab was cancelled so Mr Chan gave us 40 minutes break...and thank goodness for that else we'd have 2 hours of physics class O.O ... *the horror* ... when it comes to electricity i'm even more blur... physics is really really not my thing -.- ...

was still full from the breakfast so i joined my classmates to McD so that i could get an icecream~~ and it was then that i bumped into ah poh and ying ying... :) .. haven't seen ying in ages... we chatted for quite a long time... pretty nice catching up with old classmates... and sometimes it's surprising how we're closer now than we were in secondary school XD...
Poh was happily boasting that he'd get to go to the lakeside campus next yr... pif... and he asked me why i wanna go overseas to study... and got me thinking a bit... seems like that has always been the plan... or rather the dream... the dream to go international and experience a different life.. learn from the best in the field.. (or something along those lines..) but i guess if i wanna help parents save on $$ .. i could consider local.. which means going to taylors after A levels... -.- ... then my ego will make noise again XD ... it's still a long way to go so.. it's really not that long more to go O.O .. i'll graduate from college in about a year.. and i'll be applying to UK unis in 4 months..haih... time really flies....


-llen-

education.... $$.. future... buddies .... -.-

These past few days been thinking about which uni to apply to..hehe... my plan now is pretty simple... choose 5 uni and apply for UK... and if i get rejected by all 5.... i'll wait for next year and apply for aussie...haha... and if i get rejected...haih...then do local loh -.- ... though i really hope by then my results wont be THAT sucky that i get rejected internationally ...

so been looking at some UK uni's and they all look so nice~~~ ... it's like every one i see i feel like going XD .. this is me being fickle-minded... have a few in mind that i'll definitely apply to... i didn't really realise or think about it that much but it's may already!! so fast.... it still feels like the first day of college... Econs syllabus for AS is finishing... maths also almost completed... gahh....

been trying hard to commit myself to studying coz... if i don't start now it'll be just like SPM time again.. last minute cramming XD... and i know i can't afford that this time around.. i seldom think about it but once in a while the thought of the college fees pops into my head... and it's a lotta $$ ... so for now... i shall TRY to study harder... and play less... haih... whoever said college was fun -.- ... meanwhile bro is on holiday till July... pif... and mum likes to rub it in .." ah ge ahh... why u no holiday wan??" -.-'''

ooh..and form 6 started edy.... dearest buddy Elaine is doing form 6... the last time i saw her was when we collected our results... :( ... miss all the kwang hua-rian buddies ...

-llen-

Hotel 626

I went to hotel 626 for a stay last Sunday... They're only open from 6pm to 6am....


First knew about it when we went into class one day and it was written on the board.. so I got really curious...
Then was chatting with bro and he knew about it too!! So... I thought...why not have a go?

The first time i wanted to go was around 2am... and I chickened out.... haha...
the next morning... i reset my time so i can get into the hotel...hehehe... too chicken lah me...

If you have a webcam then it'll be more fun i think... i have one but i didn't wanna use it ...haha... already so scared mah.... but actually it's not that scary lah... coz they use human actors with a little makeup... not like some really spooky messed up animated creation that can REALLY scare the shit out of people... so..i didn't need to be so scared actually..haha.. go try it out... :)

-llen-

me against the music....

it's been a while since the last time i failed a practical exam... the last time i failed was in grade 3... did 2, 4, 6 and 7 and passed...
i was so used to failing (coz i even failed grade 1) that every pass was something that made me happy...even though it was just a pass...

but with how things are going now... there is a very HUGE chance of me failing again...and i don't think i want to remind myself about how that feels like....
but maybe it's just my lack of commitment to it... maybe all the reasons like "i got no time to practise"... or "tests....study first practise comes second.." are just... excuses...
or it could be something that runs deeper...

for now whichever it is doesn't matter... i just have to do myself some justice..and make teacher happy... haih..
or else i'll have to pay again to retake the exam...ugh... then nobody's gonna be happy :(

-llen-

...

Haih... was so happy with Labour's Day holiday.. and i really enjoyed myself until Sunday...
woke up with a sore throat... thinking maybe it's because the previous night I didn't drink water before sleeping so I thought a little water could help... when the water didn't help i thought... maybe get some breakfast and more water...
and the water still didn't help... so I thought about that time when I had the tonsil infection... i think a month ago?? so i grabbed my mini torch and went to the mirror...

there it was....those white spots... and i knew what that meant..

1. i had to see a doctor ASAP to get antibiotics
2. i'll probably be getting a fever.. coz as long as the infection is there...the fever wont stop...

at night ..parents thought maybe see my doctor aunt ...i said no need coz i know definitely... she wont have antibiotics at home wat... -.- ... we went anyways... and nothing much we could do... took cousin's antibiotics (i'm wondering why he didn't finish it though XD)
went to the usual doctor on monday... got the meds... home... nap nap nap...

so i skipped monday and today... haih...been skipping too many days.... and missed another test... hope i'll be fine by tomorrow... but i know it's unlikely.. coz there's still lotsa white spots... if you wanna see what it's like go to wikipedia and search for tonsillitis...some of the google images are too scary..
but i still gotta go to college tomorrow... doc only gave 2 days MC.... wonder how much i've missed >< ...

-llen-